Recently my brain has felt like it is wading through a bog, but I think that is honestly just sawdust. Working on personal growth and development can do this to your brain I think. Currently my brain feels like I am doing a really big overhaul on a room. I do not know about your cleaning style but when I decide to clean a room or do a big tidy, a big clean, or a remodel it is messier to the messiest before there starts to be any discernible pattern or organization.
That is where my brain is at right now. My brain is messy. I am working on repairing damage that has been inflicted since the foundation of my soul had been laid out into my fleshly design. This design didn’t go as it should have and the house was falling apart. It is messy right now, sinks are ripped out of walls, live wires are shocking at weird intervals, you may slip on a puddle of water from leaking pipes that I can’t find, or you may fall through the floor. My brain and being is being worked over to find those very solid studs and solid foundation that is there. I think I found a rat infestation over in the back corner though and I am not too happy about that.
What is the best part about a mess like this? Everything because it means things are getting fixed and things will improve and maybe I can finally, finally stand on a foundation and be confident I won’t fall apart at the slightest breeze that comes around my way.
Not only it is going to help the infrastructure that is me, I am hoping to find my voice. I get so overwhelmed with the inner judgements that are thrown my way and have discovered this is due to my voice being overwritten as a child and someone else’s judgements of me being inserted. My emotional growth, personality, and confidence in myself was stunted by narcissism and I am so glad that I have discovered that at this old age that I am. I feel awful for losing years of believing in myself, but I am sure it will come out if force once it has been rebuilt and established. Maybe in this new infrastructure I should build a champagne fountain!
As I am getting into creative writing and creativity more but I am trying to also find my voice as a writer, artist, and person.
I am still trying to find myself and my voice.
The one thing I have definitely learned these last two weeks is I have to stop giving up on myself. If I do not believe in me, why should I expect anyone else to? That’s a whole other blog entry. I think I will keep this one about my voice.
Til Next Time,